Coping with Difficulties

Breastplate of Righteousness – The Heart’s Protection

Stand therefore…and having on the breastplate of righteousness;

– Ephesians 6:14

Who am I? Where is my place in this world? These are questions that I have asked myself for a very long time as I struggled with my identity and to fit in. I had come to define who I am based on my life’s experiences – a failure, worthless, dirty, unclean, a victim, to be used by others, an alien, just to name a few. Moreover, from a child I was always different and I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. I just couldn’t and didn’t fit in – not in my family, not at Church, not at school, not at work nor in my community. It therefore begged the questions: Who am I? Where is my place in this world?

I’ve known rejection, abandonment and abuse that impaired my perception of who I am, and not fitting in I resorted to isolation. Isolation became my main coping mechanism in a quest to maintain my sanity. Yet I yearned to belong. Therefore, I looked for love and acceptance in all the wrong places from all the wrong people only to feel rejected time and time and time again. Why did I feel rejected? I was too needy. I couldn’t find the balance between needing people and needing people too much.

Therefore, I lived with the guilt of being a burden or a bother to others and the shame of not being able to hold my own. It was difficult for me to accept who God says I am in His Word. Among other things, I am accepted in the beloved and I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus. I needed the breastplate of righteousness in order to keep my heart free from the hurts of my past.

The Roman soldier’s breastplate protected the heart and central organs of the body against assault. It was an indispensable defensive piece of weaponry.

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Loinbelt of Truth – The Word of God

Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth…

– Ephesians 6:14

I realized that even though I gave my life to Christ at an early age in my youth and spent a lot of time reading the Bible, the Word of God wasn’t central in my life. The opinions of others about me were controlling my life. I so much wanted to be loved, accepted, and appreciated by others especially my family that what they said about me mattered the most. Often times when I tried to be assertive for my own good or said no to requests made of me that I genuinely couldn’t, I was told that I was evil, mean, selfish, and called myself a Christian, I was stupid, I shouldn’t talk and let others hear what I say because I was ignorant, I was a wet box of matches, just to mention a few. I believed all of those things for most of my life and they influenced how I lived my life – in isolation. I dared not let others find out all those things about me. I wanted to appear perfect in the eyes of others. After all, as a Christian shouldn’t I be perfect? This was my perception of a Christian as a youth, someone who is perfect. Thus, I questioned my salvation and tried very hard to be good. It seemed like no matter how hard I tried to be good the more I did everything wrong so I was always beating up on myself for not doing anything right and for being a failure.

There were times when others told me how selfless, kind and loving a person I am but I didn’t believe them. My adopted mother asked me all the time, “Joanne whose report will you believe?” “Do you believe what God says about you in His Word?” Even so it was difficult for me not to believe what man had said about me for so long because as I mentioned in a previous devotional, I tended to discount the positive and believe the negative.

Ironically, there are others whom I have ministered to as a teacher, counsellor, mentor and speaker who mentioned to me how their lives have been blessed and changed by the words I spoke to them but the very Word of God that I used to minister to them seemed not to have been working for me. I remember a friend telling me over and over that the same Word of God that I minister to others must also be evident in my own life. I needed to be armed and skilled in using the piece of weaponry called the loinbelt of truth which is the Word of God.   

The Roman soldier’s lionbelt was the most important piece of weaponry in the entire armour. It was the central piece of weaponry. To it was affixed most of the other pieces of weaponry to hold them in place. In order for the Roman solider to effectively use the other pieces of weaponry was contingent on his lionbelt. If he had no loinbelt then his ability to use the other pieces of weaponry would be impaired. Having a lionbelt gave the Roman soldier security and confidence in battle.

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Standing Strong in the Whole Armour Of God

Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

– Ephesians 6:13

Last week was a very intense one for me. My birthday was last week and I had an awesome celebration. However, I also had some unpleasant experiences with persons whom I care about and love dearly. Therefore, by yesterday I was overwhelmed and ambivalent about writing this morning’s devotional. Why was I overwhelmed and ambivalent? Because I once again let my guard down and was thinking too deeply about one particular situation, trying to solve it in my mind but not communicating with the significant others. Then last night I was talking with a friend who reminded me that I was once gain inside my head and I needed to get out of my head, see the situation for what it is, do what I can and don’t think about what I can’t do. This bit of encouragement helped me to refocus and reminded me that I am engaged in a perpetual spiritual warfare and I must be attired in the whole armour of God at all time. Even though I am attired in the whole armour of God I can’t afford to let my guard down. To say, “Well I am dressed in the whole armour of God so I am safe and I can go to sleep”, in the midst of a wrestle is lunacy. That attitude spells defeat. It therefore means that I have to be intentional and consistently guard my heart with all diligence. It took years for the enemy to setup strongholds in my mind and I realize renewing my mind is a process that I must daily engage in the Word of God.   

Having described the intensity of spiritual warfare in Ephesians 6:12, that is, the wrestle against principalities, powers, the rulers of the darkness of this world, and spiritual wickedness in high places, the Apostle Paul emphatically commanded believers in Christ, “Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand” (Ephesians 6:13).

In Ephesians 6:11 the Apostle Paul issued an urgent command to attire in the whole armour of God. Here in verse 13 he emphasized it as he stated, “Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God…” Why is there such an urgency in this command to take unto you the whole armour of God? It is of paramount importance to take unto you the whole armour of God so that “…you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.”

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The Intensity of Spiritual Warfare

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

– Ephesians 6:12

In reflection I realized that for as long as I can remember myself I have been a deep thinker, I internalized everything around me and every word spoken to me, I scrutinized everything and everyone, I trusted no one, and I  mostly held a negative prospective of everything. This is mainly because of the cognitive distortions that I had developed as coping strategies due to the prolonged and severe adverse events I experienced from a child. That was how I survived (so I thought). But in actuality, it was one of the devil’s devices to gain access to and setup strongholds in my mind in order to destroy my life. In the previous devotionals I mentioned the cognitive distortions ‘polarized thinking’ (all-or-nothing, or black and white thinking), ‘mental filtering’, and ‘discounting the positive’. Today I would like to share with you another that I also developed, that is, ‘personalization’ where I took everything personally even when they had no connection to or caused by me at all. Hence, in some instances I blamed myself for situations that were of no fault of my, like when I blamed myself for being sexually abused as a child and for the persons’ leaving as I mentioned in previous devotionals.

Several years ago I visited with a friend in Boston, USA and took ill. After being ill for a few days, one day my friend left work to take me to the emergency and stayed for hours by my bedside as I was treated. I felt so guilty because I blamed myself for getting sick and for her having to leave work and being at the hospital for so long, while in truth and in fact there was nothing that I did wrong or to cause myself to become ill. This friend often told me, “Get over yourself Joanne, and don’t take yourself so seriously because others aren’t taking you that seriously.”

How do I get over myself and not take myself so seriously when there is a perpetual war being waged in my mind? These cognitive distortions that I had developed were so real and made sense even though they were not the truth.

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Attire With The Whole Armour of God!

Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.

– Ephesians 6:11

In light of all the experiences I have had in my life I have had to struggle to break free from the hold that the devil had on me. The greatest battle I have had to fight (and still fighting) is in my mind. Even though in the midst of going around the mountain of anxiety and depression I managed to successfully obtain higher education and a career, I still thought that I was worthless. Instead of acknowledging my successes as a result of my hard work, determination, shrewd choices, intelligence or skills, I always assumed they must have been accidents or some type of incongruity. Also, even though others recognized and complemented my successes, gifts, talents, abilities, excellent spirit and work attitude, tenacity, dedication, perseverance, intelligence, etc, I never believed any of it. Instead of acknowledging their kind remarks, I just always thought that they weren’t truthful but just being polite by saying these nice things to me.

I was stuck with another cognitive distortion ‘discounting the positive’, which involved a negative bias in my thinking. Just like ‘mental filters’ which I mentioned in yesterday’s devotional. This perpetuated the vicious cycle of going around the mountain of anxiety and depression. I needed to break free from these strongholds in my mind which resulted from the assaults of the devil because they were the impetus for every maladaptive behaviour that I exhibited.

In my quest for solution to defeat the war that was waging in my mind, the Holy Spirit taught me the significance of being attired with the whole armour of God daily.

The Apostle Paul issued an urgent command to us as believers in Christ to, “put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil”.

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Receive Strength from the Lord and His Mighty Power!

Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.

– Ephesians 6:10

As a result of my perceptions of the experiences I’ve had in my life I was often overwhelmed by negative emotions. The cognitive distortion ‘mental filtering’ became my constant companion. Thus, I tended to ignore everything that was positive and was fixated only on those things that were negative. I held such a negative perception of myself and my future that those extreme negative thoughts caused feelings of hopelessness which triggered suicidal ideation and attempts. My interpretations of circumstances always resulted from my use of a negative mental filter, which wasn’t only inaccurate but kept me going around the mountain of anxiety and depression in a vicious cycle that I was perpetually weak and tired in my total being – body, soul and spirit.

I believe that I had experienced times of relief and peace but those always lasted for a short time before I was going around the mountain of anxiety and depression again. So much so that a friend of mine would ask me every time I relapsed, “You un-deliver yourself again after God has delivered you?” Her question propelled me to desire to maintain my healing and deliverance but I seemed unable to do so.

A few months ago I began to ponder in my heart a question that a dear friend asked me one morning. It was a question for which she needed an urgent answer but also one that was very relevant to me. “What do you do when you have prayed, and believed for healing yet the symptoms persist?” As I pondered on this question I heard in my spirit, “be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might” (Ephesians 6:10).

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