Joy in God’s Peace!

In the multitude of my thoughts within me thy comforts delight my soul.

– Psalm 94:19

I remember as a teenager going to secondary school in Mesopotamia one morning, I was waiting for transportation at the roundabout in Arnos Vale when my big sister met me there and embarrassed me in front of all the other people who were also waiting for transportation there. I wasn’t idling, all the buses that had passed so far were already filled with passengers from Kingstown so it was often difficult getting transportation in Arnos Vale. I felt so ashamed that I cried all the way to school. In school during the day I couldn’t concentrate, I cried all day thinking about what would happen when I get home. After school I was so anxious, I couldn’t wait to get the earliest bus home. From that day I was classically conditioned so every morning while waiting for a van at Arnos Vale I cried in anxiety praying and hoping that one would have at least one space just for me. I was afraid that my big sister would meet me there again. Also, every evening after school, I cried when I couldn’t get an early bus because they would often get filled up before they got to my school as there are other schools in Mesopotamia where students outside of that community attended. I dreaded getting home late.

I didn’t know what to do to fix my broken emotions fuelled by the complex trauma that I experienced which caused me to be in a state of constant fear, anxiety and depression. Even though I have heard many times before that in the Bible there is an answer for every question and a solution for every problem we may have, I am yet to discover answers for some things. However, I can testify that rejoicing in the Lord and worshiping God have been a source of strength and peace for me.

I believe that I can identify with the Psalmist who declared in Psalm 94:19 that, “In the multitude of my thoughts within me thy comforts delight my soul.”

The word “thought” used by the Psalmist in this verse is the Hebrew word śarʿappiym, which means cognition or thought, a disquieting thought, an anxious feeling (Hebrew – Greek Key Word Study Bible).

The word “within” is the Hebrew word qereb, which means the nearest part, i.e., the centre, whether literal, figurative or adverbial (especially with preposition), bowels, inwardly, midst, purtenance, properly (Hebrew – Greek Key Word Study Bible and Strong’s Concordance, Hebrew Dictionary).

The Psalmist joyed because the Lord calmed his inner, secret, silent anxieties. Rejoicing was his way of demonstrating his gratefulness for the marvellous working of God in his soul to quiet those disquieting thought and anxious feelings that he secretly and silently grappled with in his bowels.   

I believe God wants you to take a leaf from the Psalmist book and do the same. You too can rejoice because God calms your every inner, secret, silent anxiety. Maybe you have not yet experienced the peace of God in your situation and you may not trust anyone to tell them too. However, today I would like to let you know that you can trust Jesus and tell Him all about them. He is Faithful and He WILL quiet your soul. Would you let Him today?

Shalom!

MY PRAYER FOR TODAY

Abba, I worship You and my soul rejoices in Your faithfulness and goodness towards me. Thank You for calming my inner, secret, silent anxieties that I have grappled with for so many years. I declare that I will continuously rejoice because of the marvellous work You are doing in my soul. I declare that the peace of the Lord continuously quiets my soul in times of deep disquieting thinking. I pray this by faith in Jesus’ mighty name with thanksgiving. Amen!   

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My Eternal Papa: My Perpetual Protection!

 The eternal God is thy refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms: and he shall thrust out the enemy from before thee; and shall say, Destroy them.

– Deuteronomy 33:27

I was raised very sheltered and over protected so as a child and youth I was not allowed to have friends or to go out. When I was sent out, whether it was to school or the shop or by my mother I was expected to go straight and return without idling. If I didn’t return in the time expected of me, I was beaten. Therefore, I was afraid to talk to people. I was well-mannered so I greeted people along my journey but I didn’t stop to have conversations with anyone, even if someone had initiated a conversation, I ignored him or her and continued on my way. I was so preoccupied with thoughts of getting back home on time that often times I passed persons on the way and didn’t see them or remember to say hello. For this reason, many people said that I was fresh and I thought that I was better than others. This is so far from the truth and quite the contrary, I had no such thought of myself as I had always esteemed everyone else above myself. I had no self-esteem, no self-worth, no confidence and I was extremely shy. I thought that there was a label on my forehead that read, “sexually abused, stupid girl, ruined, crazy, et cetera”. Therefore, when persons looked at me, I was so afraid that’s what they were seeing, the label on my forehead and that thy were judging me by it. Hence, I couldn’t bear being looked at so I cried every time persons stared at me. I often wondered, what exactly was my family trying to protect me from why I was so sheltered and over protected? When I was being abused in the very home that should have been my safe space.

Nonetheless, I have a Saviour in whom I find protection. The Word of God says in Deuteronomy 33:27 that, “The eternal God is thy refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms: and he shall thrust out the enemy from before thee; and shall say, Destroy them.”

To me this is very comforting to know that, “The eternal God is thy refuge…” God is Everlasting, He is Your Eternal Papa and your Everlasting Papa is your Perpetual Protection. Therefore, His protection is sure. In yesterday’s devotional I mentioned that He is Faithful and promises He WILL protect His own. Today I would like to emphasize that this promise is one you can hold on too with confident trust in Him because of who He is. Not only is He your Faithful Father, He is also your Eternal Papa and Perpetual Protection. He is your everlasting asylum and in Him, in His presence you can dwell forever in safety. There is nothing to fear in His presence but His peace floods your soul like a river. Your Eternal Papa doesn’t only just protect you, He himself is your Perpetual Protection.  

In addition, it is very comforting to also know that, “…underneath are the everlasting arms…” Your Eternal Father, your Perpetual Protection is holding you up with His everlasting arms. He will never let you hit rock bottom no matter how many times you fall. Neither does His arms get weary of holding you so He will never let you go. You are safe in His everlasting arms forever as long as you remain there.

Finally, it is very comforting to also know that, “…he shall thrust out the enemy from before thee; and shall say, Destroy them.” Your Eternal Papa is so Mighty that even though His everlasting arms are underneath you always, he has the power and authority to drive out your enemy form before. He has also allowed you to share in overcoming your enemy when He says “…Destroy them”. He knows that you have the ability to destroy your enemy because He has given you His power and authority as well as the keys to the kingdom. In Matthew 18:18 He declares, “Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.” This therefore means believers that you have in your possession all that you need to defeat your enemy while you remain safe in your Faithful Father’s, Eternal Papa’s and Perpetual Protection’s everlasting arms.

Multiplied Blessings!    

MY PRAYER FOR TODAY

Daddy I worship You with every fibre of my being today and always. Thank You for being my Eternal Papa and Perpetual Protection. Thank You for upholding me with Your everlasting arms, driving out and equipping me with power and authority to defeat my enemy. I boldly declare today that I will dwell in the presence of the Lord forever and find fullness of joy so that I would continually be strengthened. I declare that even though I may fall I will not hit rock bottom because my Eternal Papa’s everlasting arms are underneath me, therefore I triumph over my enemy always. I pray this by faith in Jesus’ mighty name with thanksgiving. Amen!  

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My Faithful Father’s Protection!

But the Lord is faithful, who shall stablish you, and keep you from evil.

– 2 Thessalonians 3:3

I didn’t trust anyone in my family so I couldn’t tell them my fears and pains. As a child I remember that every time I tried to talk to my mother her response was always that she didn’t want to hear anything because she has high blood pressure and can’t take on any stress. I didn’t know what that meant but her tone of voice and body language told me that she had something really bad that could kill her so I decided never again will I talk to her about my struggles. I was afraid that I would be responsible for killing her should she die. I was so afraid that my mother will die so every time I heard an ambulance siren, I would automatically have a panic attack because the first thought that came to my mind was that my mother was in that ambulance and she would die. This happen even when I was in another country and I would self-talk to cope with the anxiety. Anyway, as a young adult, having learnt what high blood pressure is, even though I was still very much mindful that I didn’t want to cause my mother added stress, once I decided to take a change so I tried to talk to her about the mental health challenges I was experiencing. She told me that I am crazy and only bad minded people go crazy. My mother didn’t believe that anything was wrong with me. She though that I was just evil, selfish and mean and so did the rest of my family. I believed her, after all she is my mother and mothers know best (so I thought) consequently I punished myself all the time for being evil, mean, selfish and bad minded.

Who then can I trust to talk to if I can’t trust my family? I was sinking in the sea of strident silence but no one was listening. By whom and where then am I protected from all the perils that I have been experiencing? These questions are answered by the Apostle Paul in 2 Thessalonians 3:3 which states, “But the Lord is faithful, who shall stablish you, and keep you from evil.”

The word “faithful” is the Greek word pistos, which means trustworthy, sure, true, worthy of belief, trust or confidence (Hebrew – Greek Key Word Study Bible).

The word “evil” comes from the Greek word ponēros, which means hurtful; degeneracy; calamitous; ill or disease; culpable or derelict, vicious, facinorous; mischief, malice, or guilt, the devil, sinners or bad, evil grievous, harm, lewd, malicious, wicked (-ness) (Hebrew – Greek Key Word Study Bible).

The Apostle Paul emphasizes that the Lord IS faithful, that is, He IS trustworthy, sure, true, worthy of belief, trust or confidence. This assures me that the Lord IS constantly faithful. In other words, He remains faithful all the time. He does not change. Hebrews 13:8 says, “Jesus Christ the same yesterday and to day and for ever.” Faithful is not something He does but who He IS. It is the very nature of God. He IS my Faithful Father, and yours too.

Our Faithful Father WILL stablish us, that is, our foundation He WILL firmly and permanently set up; permanently accept and recognize us; show us to be truly and certainly His own possession, having determined the fact that we are His righteousness in Christ; and guarantee that we remain more than conquerors in this spiritual warfare. Furthermore, He WILL keep us from evil, that is, from hurtful; degeneracy; calamitous; ill or disease; culpable or derelict, vicious, facinorous; mischief, malice, or guilt, the devil, sinners or bad, evil grievous, harm, lewd, malicious, wicked (-ness). This means that our Faithful Father WILL stablish and protect us from very evil person or deed that the enemy uses to attack us.

I encourage you today to trust your Faithful Father to protect you from whatever evil the enemy of your soul has been attacking you with. He has already won the victory for you.   

Multiplied Blessings!     

MY PRAYER FOR TODAY

Daddy, I worship You with my whole being and will give You praise all my life. Thank You for being my Faithful Father and for stablishing and protecting me from all manner of evil. I boldly declare that I triumph over all the wickedness of the enemy always because my trust and confidence are in the Lord and His mighty name. I pray this by faith in Jesus’ mighty name with thanksgiving. Amen!

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Strength in the Joy of the Lord!

Then he said unto them…neither be ye sorry; for the joy of the Lord is your strength.

– Nehemiah 8:10

Though I am a believer in Jesus Christ from a young age, throughout my life I suffered severe physical and emotional hurt as well as loses for which I grieved because of trauma in my childhood. Being in constant pain I worried that something worst would happen to me. Therefore, I was angry at myself for being unwell. I was angry at God because I thought He allowed bad things to happen to me. I was angry at my parents for not protecting me. I was angry at the world and I didn’t know why. Also, I was unhappy all the time. I didn’t know how to play, smile or laugh, not even if I heard a joke that was very humorous. My face was always serious with a frown. I was heavily burdened down by the sufferings I experienced. Thus, I was weak in my body, soul and spirit. Anxiety and depression were sucking all the strength out of me. I had no life. I wasn’t living but merely existing.

However, one day when I was praying, I heard in my spirit that my strength is in the joy of the Lord and my breakthrough is in my worship unto God. This reminded me of Nehemiah 8:10 that says “…neither be ye sorry; for the joy of the Lord is your strength.”

The word “sorry” is the Hebrew word atsab, which means to hurt, to pain, to grieve, to worry, to displease. This refers to physical pain, emotional pain or a combination of both physical and emotional pain (Hebrew – Greek Key Word Study Bible).

The word “joy” is the Hebrew word chedvah, which means rejoicing or gladness, joy (Hebrew – Greek Key Word Study Bible).

This tells me that the antidote for all my hurt, pain, grieve, worry and anger is knowing that my strength is contained in the joy, gladness or rejoicing of the Lord. It was only when I began to experience the joy of the Lord that I began to receive strength in my body, soul and spirit. To me the joy of the Lord doesn’t only entail my being glad and rejoicing in the Lord but also the Lord rejoicing over me. Knowing that the Almighty Lord “rejoices over me with joy, rests in His love and joys over me with singing” (Zephaniah 3:17) gives me strength to face each day.

You too can find your strength in the joy of the Lord if you are experiencing hurt, pain, grieve, worry and anger.  

God richly bless you!

MY PRAYER FOR TODAY

Abba, I worship You because You are the Almighty God. I thank You for being my ever-present Daddy and for Your joy in which is my strength. I declare that all my hurt, pain, grieve, worry and anger are drowned in the sea of joy and gladness. Therefore, I will rejoice, I will lift my voice and worship my Lord. For my strength is in the joy of the Lord and my breakthrough in my worship. I pray this by faith in Jesus’ mighty name with thanksgiving. Amen.

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My True Identity in Christ Jesus!

And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness…So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.  

– Genesis 1:26-27

Who am I? is a question that I have asked myself for years and for which I sought answers in all the wrong places, things and people. I didn’t know my true identity. I was defined by the experiences I have had throughout my life – child sexual abuse, rejection, abandonment, failures, just to name a few. Thus, when I thought of “who am I”, the answers were, I am a stupid girl, ruined, dejected, worthless, unlovable, failure, crazy, victim, evil, mean, selfish, hypocrite. I couldn’t perceive anything valuable or desirable in me. I believed all these things with all my heart and there wasn’t anything that anyone could have said or done to convince me otherwise. Therefore, I hated myself so much that the only solution was self-harm, hence the many suicidal attempts but God saved me from myself over and over and over again.

On the contrary, who I am in God’s eyes is far from what I have mentioned above. When God looks at me, He sees a reflection of Himself because He has created me in His image and likeness as revealed in the chronicle of creation.  

Genesis 1:26-27 states, “And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness…So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.”

The word “image” is the Hebrew word tsehlem, which means resemblance, a figure, an image or likeness, a model, a drawing, a shadow (Hebrew – Greek Key Word Study Bible).

The word “likeness” is the Hebrew word demooth, which means resemblance, model, shape, like – fashion (Hebrew – Greek Key Word Study Bible).

In the original Hebrew manuscript, the words “image” and “likeness” are coupled together, there is no conjunction between the two words as seen in the English translation, therefore they do not have separate meanings, together they are used as a description of the same capacity. They both denote a form or shape and bear a resemblance of the actual thing though they are not the thing.   

To be created in God’s image and likeness therefore means that though human beings are not actually God, we are a prototype or fashion or shape or pattern or portrayal and resemblance of God

In the beginning God created me in His image after His likeness, having predestined me before the world began. Then He called me to Himself as His own possession; filled me with His Holy Spirit; gave me His glory, grace, Spirit gifts, power and authority, as well as the keys to the kingdom; made me a partner with Him in His kingdom business to reap the end-time harvest with Him; and anointed me with boldness to be His witness in the earth, do exploits, cover the earth with His glory, and proclaim His praises to the ends of the earth.

Hence, to answer the question, “Who am I?” I am Daddy’s marvellous masterpiece, fearfully and wonderfully made in His resemblance and fashion. I am the prototype or portrayal of God. I am the field of God that Jesus dresses and keeps every day a flourishing garden. I am the building of God constructed by the architectural design of the Chief Architect to dwell the very Spirit and presence of God. I bear the very essences of God, His character. I am royalty because the King of kings and Lord of lords is my Daddy, and so much more that this devotional will not permit me to mention. Thus, I carry the capacity for greatness. Now, this is my true identity! Beloved, this is your true identity!

Hallelujah! Thank You Jesus! Praise the Lord! Glory be to God!

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I Am God’s Marvellous Masterpiece!

For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

– Psalms 139:13-14

When I was growing up, I didn’t like myself. I thought I was the ugly duckling in the family. In my adolescence and young adult years I had terrible acne on my face and a double row tooth. Additionally, although I am not very tall, I have long, slender feet and arms so my fingers are very long and slender. I remember that often when I was in the presence of my mother she would comment on my long, slim fingers and that made me even more conscious of how long and slender my fingers are as I took her comments negatively. Therefore, I hated and was ashamed of my hands especially my fingers so I kept them hidden as much as I could. I love to worship and in Church where the lifting of hands is a form of surrender in worship unto God, I was afraid to lift my hands because I didn’t want anyone to see my long, slender hands and fingers. However, there were times when I lost myself being so deep in worship and without being conscious of it my hands were lifted high in the air. I was often identified by others on the Church’s Sunday television programme by my long, slender hands as they stood out in the congregation. There are other persons who have noticed my long, slender fingers and are awed by them. Some have told me that I have nice musical fingers but I tended to always focus on the negatives so I couldn’t appreciate the complements about my long fingers.

I also hated and was ashamed of my long, slender feet. I wear size 11 shoes but most size 11 shoes look clumsy on my feet because my feet are very narrow and my insteps are very flat. Hence, it’s often challenging to find good looking shoes that fit me well. When I am shopping for shoes, I am often asked by sales clerks, “what a small lady like you doing with such big feet?” This question caused me to feel ashamed of my feet even the more. Of all the females in my family my feet are the longest. Moreover, I hated my breast. I felt that they were too big and long. I remember as an adolescent one of my nieces told me that I have ‘white women’s breast’. It wasn’t a complement and in hindsight thought I didn’t understand what she meant by it, I thought that it was an undesirable thing to have breast that are compared with ‘white women’s breast’. Furthermore, I hated my abdomen because no matter how much I exercised it just didn’t seem to get as flat as I wanted it to be.

I had a distorted view of my body image which I tried to correct by exercising and starving myself from food. This eventually developed into the eating disorder anorexia nervosa. Hence, I had a very low self-esteem and lacked confidence. Oh, the things that contributed to my struggle with anxiety disorder and major depression.

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Love Yourself First After God!

Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

– Matthew 22:39

From a youth I took on a parentified role in my family and felt the need to take care of everyone, young and old alike. I am the eighth of 11 children and the last girl. Nevertheless, I watched over my family like a hawk to protect them from danger, especially my nieces who are all younger than I am. I was afraid that they too would have been sexually abused so I didn’t trust men around them. It didn’t matter who the men were or how old or young they were, once I was there, I couldn’t leave them alone in the presence of men. I also prayed for my family intensely day and night that they would all be saved as I was the only Christian in my home. I relentlessly reminded God that when He saved me, His Word also promises to save my household according to Acts 16:31, and I took that promise to heart. Moreover, if someone took ill, I would be there for them. I even confronted my father on three occasions about the things he did that displeased everyone, for which others complained but no one said anything to him directly. I spoke out against the wrong things done by other family members that affected everyone and again for which others complained but no one said anything directly to the ones causing the pain. I was fed-up of the complains and felt it was my responsibility to confront them because seeing others in my family hurt was agonizing for me. I needed to fix everything and everyone in my family. My family was always first and nothing was too good or valuable for me to give up for them or to give to them even if it meant making sacrifices. Hence, I became the daughter, sister and aunt that most looked to. I love my family so deeply that for me this role meant that I must be there for everyone first which meant neglecting me. I would feel guilty if I couldn’t be there for everyone because not being there for them would mean that I don’t love them. Furthermore, I put my friends before me. Once I have let someone in as my friend, I would do anything for that person even if it also meant making sacrifice. I didn’t know how to say “no”. Saying “no” meant for me that I was a failure.  

I remember that there were times when I was ill to the point where I was so weak that I couldn’t get out of bed to help myself, or I was so depressed that for days I didn’t get out of bed, not even to take a shower or eat because I didn’t have the motivation nor the strength to get up. Nevertheless, during those times, if I knew that one of my family or friends needed me, I would immediately, automatically find the strength to get up and attend to their needs. I don’t know nor understand to this day how I managed to do such. The bottom line is that I am a giver by nature. I am very observant so I just have to see a need and I will meet it without being asked. I learnt as a child in Brownies that, “A Brownie Guide thinks of others before herself and does a good turn every day” and this stayed with me throughout my entire life and informed my behaviour.  

However, at this very moment as I am writing this devotional, I realize how missed informed I was as a Brownie Guide because it is not scriptural to think of others before yourself. Jesus said that the second commandment is, “…Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself” (Matthew 22:39). This tells me that I must think of myself first, I must first love myself before I love others because my love for myself is the measure with which I would be able to love others.

The question that just came to me and which I have never thought of before is this, “How should I love myself?” Have you ever thought about this question? How should you love yourself? You should love yourself in like manner as you love the Lord your God. Jesus mentioned that, “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind” (Matthew 22:37). He said, “This is the first and great commandment” (Matthew 22:38).

I can just here someone saying, “now wait a minute, are you saying that I should love myself with all my heart, soul and mind?” Yes beloved, that’s exactly what I am saying but I am only repeating what Jesus said.

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Love Instead of Owing!

Owe no man any thing, but to love one another…

– Romans 13:8

As a young adult, during the time I was unemployed I had a part-time job at a department store for a salary of $600. monthly. It was barely enough to meet my needs but I was grateful and content. One day a friend asked me to loan her $100. She needed it urgently. This friend had a good job with a good salary. For me to loan her $100. meant making a sacrifice as I didn’t have $100. to spare and I didn’t know how to say “no” or “I can’t” even when I was really not in the position to. Therefore, I lent her the $100. when I got paid. The agreement was that she would pay me back at a certain time so I expected to receive it at that time so that I would meet the needs that I had sacrificed. When the time came, she didn’t pay me back and there were no explanations. When I asked her for it, I sensed an attitude. That created anxiety for me as I wasn’t comfortable asking her for it again so that affected our relationship. I was already suffering from anxiety and depression so my thinking was black and white. If you ask me to loan you, I expect you to return it but if you ask me to give you then I release it.

Years later and the table turned. I now have a full-time job with a fairly good salary. One day I was at a friend’s business place which I frequented and saw some items that I needed in the amount of over $500. but I didn’t have enough money at the time to pay for them so I asked her to put them away for me. Instead, she told me it was ok for me to take them and pay her later. I agreed with all good intentions to pay her back. However, shortly after I took the items from my friend, I had financial challenges and I was unable to pay her. Every time I saved a little to pay her, I always ended up having to use it for medical purposes. I explained to her and she understood. However, I was mindful that she is operating a business and not a charity so every day the thought of not being able to pay her haunted me like a ghost and that made me very anxious and ashamed. Then one day I got a phone call from the person who deals with her business’ finances and it wasn’t a pleasant phone call. The anxiety rose to another level and fear decided to step in as well. I eventually managed to pay her what I owed but continued to feel so ashamed that my frequent visits to her business place stopped.

It was then I decided that never again will I take anything from anyone that has a cost if I am not able to pay for it at the same time. It doesn’t matter how grave the need is I prefer to do without and heed to the warning of the Apostle Paul in Romans 13:8 to, “Owe no man any thing, but to love one another…”

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Take Care of Yourself!

Take heed unto thyself…

– 1 Timothy 4:16

Last week Monday I had a crisis. After six in the morning, I was sitting at my desk in my office finishing up my devotion when one of my nieces called me. When I saw her name on the caller’s ID automatically my heart skipped a beat as the first thought that came to me was my mother is unwell. I have prayed that God will keep my mother so that she wouldn’t have the need to visit the accident and emergency (A&E) department or be hospitalized again. I answered my phone and my niece told me that my big sister who takes care of my mother was unwell to the point where she couldn’t walk and the lady who works with us wasn’t coming that day. It therefore meant that I had to go to take care of my mother because she is unable to do anything for herself. I started thinking about how I was going to manage when I had to work. I have been working from home and last week was one of my busiest. I thought that maybe I can ask someone to assist me but I didn’t know who to ask as there was no one I could have thought of to call. At that point I knew that I had no other choice but to go to care for my mother.

In previous times, having received such phone call I would have dropped everything and immediately in anxiety run to their rescue but this time I did not. I remembered a conversation I had with a friend in Canada about selfcare first before I attempt to help others. She used the analogy of an airhostess’ instructions on how to apply the oxygen mask in the event of a crisis, given to passengers on an aeroplane. She reminded me that usually you are told to put the oxygen mask on yourself first then you can assist other passengers if needed. Therefore, I decided that I would take care of myself first before I go to see about my family. I finished my devotions and committed the situation to God in prayer. Then I had my shower and prepared for my day. After which I made and ate my breakfast which for me is very important. Then I went to assist my family.

When I got there, it was after 9:00 am and my mother had only just awakened. For that I give God praise because she wasn’t awake before and waiting on me to get there. I needed to bathe her, change her bed linen, wash the wet bed linen, make her breakfast, feed her and give her medications. I didn’t know if I could have done it. I didn’t even know where to begin but Holy Spirit helped me as I worshipped and praised all through it. I had such peace of mind. All I chose to think about were the reasons to give God thanks and so I did. After I had finished taking care of my mother she went back to sleep and woke up again after 1:00pm. I gave her lunch and again after she had her lunch she went back to sleep until in the evening.

Tuesday morning, I woke up promptly at 3:00am. I had my devotions and wrote my daily devotional for my blog on my website. Then I applied my emotional ‘oxygen mask’ first before I went to take care of my mother again. I needed to get her ready to go for dialysis for 7:00am so I got there after 5:00am. Having cared for her on Monday it was easier to do on Tuesday.

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The Spirit’s Supply of Grace and Strength

For I know that this shall turn to my salvation through your prayer, and the supply of the Spirit of Jesus Christ

– Philippians 1:19

Several years ago, I discovered that I had uterine fibroids which affected my menstruation so I had excessive bleeding. As a result of the loss of blood I was severely anaemic to the point of my heart being affected so I had heart murmur. I was drained and weak all the time. I felt like something was sucking the life out of me. I remember praying one day and receiving a revelation about “life being in the blood”.

Within a few months the fibroids took over my entire uterus. The ultra sound result showed that they were tiny like clusters of grapes and distorted my uterus. They were also resting on my ureter which interrupted the function of my kidney and before long my kidney had begun to be affected. Hence, I was told by my Obstetrician-gynecologist (Ob-Gyn) doctor that I needed to have a surgery.

Almost four years ago I travelled to the USA to seek further medical attention because of the severity of my condition. I had hoped to have a myomectomy surgery but after further investigation by the Ob-Gyn in the USA, I had an emergency hysterectomy instead. The doctors said that they couldn’t save my uterus because a myomectomy would have been too risky to perform. The choice before me was, “it’s either your uterus or your kidney”.

For me that seemed like the end of my life. I was not mentally or emotionally prepared for this. I relapsed again into major depression. All sorts of thoughts went through my mind and plagued me or a very long time. I felt like for the second time in my life I lost something of value and of no fault of mine. I felt cheated, I felt like my womanhood was lost. The thought of not being able to have my own children wounded my heart, even though I had already decided a long time ago that I didn’t want to have children. I felt ashamed, ruined, worthless and had no desire to continue to live so again I attempted suicide. I grieved for a very long time and I still grieve sometimes. I remember shortly after I returned home, I was talking with my pastor about the grief and she told me to get over it. How do I just get over it? Is there something wrong with me for grieving? These are some of the questions that I silently ask inside.

I was distressed and weak in my body, soul and spirit, and I was so angry with God that I didn’t know how to pray. I felt like God was nowhere close to me. I couldn’t go it alone. I needed the presence of the Holy Spirit, His sufficient grace and strength as well as the support of my family and friends.           

In difficult times the Apostle Paul knew without a shadow of a doubt that he was going to make it through. This he expresses in Philippians 1:19, “For I know that this shall turn to my salvation through your prayer, and the supply of the Spirit of Jesus Christ.”

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