Beauty, Joy & Praise Are Yours for the Taking!

To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.

– Isaiah 61:3

I was sexually abused as a child. I never mentioned it to anyone at the time because I was afraid that no one would have believed me and I never trusted anyone. I thought that it was all a bad dream but having recurring nightmares and flashbacks, I remembered the abuse. Therefore, I was very confused and overwhelmed.

I blamed myself for the abuse. I believed that because I didn’t do anything to stop it and was aroused during the abuse, it meant that I wanted it to happen. For that reason, I felt ashamed, guilty and unclean. As a result, I took regular long bathes washing from head to toe, and was obsessed with purging, trying to be clean but to no avail. I also felt guilty for not telling anyone when it happened.

Additionally, when I was a teenager I was a member of the youth choir in the Church I attended. The Pastor’s wife was the leader of the choir. She often encouraged us as youths to keep ourselves pure until we are married so she told us girls, that “the best gift a young lady can give to her husband on their wedding night is her virginity”.

Well, because I knew that I was sexually abused as a child, I told myself that I don’t have that precious gift of my virginity to give to a husband so I decided then and there that I will not get married. I felt that I did not deserve to be married. After all, who young man would want to marry a ruined like me? Therefore, I felt cheated, inferior and worthless. I grieved the loss of my virginity to child sexual abuse as though I had lost a loved one to death. Every time the Pastor’s wife reminded us that “the best gift a young lady can give to her husband on their wedding night is her virginity”, the more I mourned. Hence, every time a young man showed interest in me, even if I liked him, I would remember what we were told by the Pastor’s wife and I would retreat. The thought of not having such precious gift to give to a husband due to the loss of my virginity to child sexual abuse tormented me for years and I could not stop mourning. Therefore, I had no joy. This I believe was the impetus for the depression, anxiety and the other mental disorders that I suffered.  

What have you lost that is causing you to lose your joy and be in a perpetual state of mourning, depression and anxiety?

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Cast Your Anxiety on Jesus!

Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.

– 1 Peter 5:7

A few years ago I had a situation where for a few months I was not paid salaries. At that time I was not well and had spent a lot of money at the doctor and had various tests done. Plus, I had to buy medications. All of which was done with monies out of my pocket because I did not have health insurance. I also had the monthly financial obligations of my car and student loans, which were behind as a result of my not being paid salaries.

I depended on my monthly salary as it was my only means of living. Hence, when I did not receive salaries those months anxiety filled my heart. I worried about what the bank would do or not do about the non-payment of my car and student loans. I worried about how I was going to afford to repeat the medications. I worried about how I was going to eat. I worried about everything that needed finances. Then, I run out of resources, I had no food, no medications and no more money to replenish my needs. I was not used to asking anyone for help so I did not know what to do.

Anyway, I decided to pray and ask God to help me because I was being emotionally crippled by anxiety. Then, in desperation, I mentioned my situation to the then Chief Education Officer hoping that she would have been able to assist in addressing the situation regarding my salary. She told me that if by a particular time I was not paid to let her know. I was not paid by that time so I informed her. She asked me to meet her at her office at a specific time on a particular day and told me to walk with my prescriptions. I hesitated because I did not want to be a bother to her. Nevertheless I went. She went with me to a pharmacy and paid for all my medications. She also gave me $300. and told me to go to the supermarket and make sure to buy whatever foodstuff I needed. Then she cautioned me to take care of myself.   

The Apostle Peter stated in First Peter 5:7, “Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.”

The word “casting” used in the verse above is the Greek word epiripto, a compound of the words epi and ripto. The word epi means upon, as on top of something. The word ripto means to hurl, to throw, or to cast. It also often means to violently throw or to fling something with great force.

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Having the Mind of Christ

Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:

– Philippians 2:5

My life from a child has been one in which I experienced many traumas that contributed to my suffering with depression and anxiety. Therefore, my perception of me was that I was worthless and I deserved all the bad things that happened to me because they were all my fault. Hence, the negative emotions of self-blame, guilt and shame. I was so ashamed of my life that I held on secretly to my experiences for many years. I couldn’t let anyone know what I had experienced, not only because of the shame but also because I was afraid that I would be judged and ostracized. I couldn’t bear the thought of rejection. Hence another reason for isolation.

I thought that I was just being “humble” but that was a lie straight from the pit of hell. Quite the contrary that was an attitude of pride. I did not realize this until my adopted mother told me, “Joanne you have nothing to be ashamed of; shame comes from pride, and pride is not of God.” Which is so true. Those negative emotions invaded my mind and prevented me from seeing the Joanne whom God created with gifts and talents for a purpose. My only redress was to let them go, give them up, lose the shame, guilt, self-blame, anger, etc. and function in the mind of Christ with true humility.   

Paul admonished in Philippians 2:5 “Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:” Another rendition expresses it this way, “Let this same attitude and purpose and [humble] mind be in you which was in Christ Jesus.”

What kind of mind did Christ possess? Christ had a humble attitude. In the verse following Philippians 2:5 that says, “ Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God:” Paul mentioned two facts about Christ which I believe is important for us to understand the mind of Christ, for these proofs tell us that He exhibited the highest level of humility there is. 1) Christ was God – He had all the attributes of God, and 2) Even though He was God He did not consider it rubbery to be equal with God. In other words, He did not consider His being equal with God as something to be snatched, grasped or held. Therefore, instead of clinging on to His position of equality with God, in humility He became a servant and was obedient even unto death.

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Transformed By A Renewed Mind!

… but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind…

– Romans 12:2

My mother went to live in a different home when I was around six years old. After a while my two younger brothers went to live with her and I remained in the family home with my father and older siblings. As a child I thought that I was responsible for my mother’s leaving. I did not understand why she would take my two younger brothers and leave her little girl behind. Therefore, for years I carried around that burden of feeling it was my fault why my mother left.

I had a close relationship with my second brother. He made me feel special. Then when I was in my early adolescence he migrated to the USA and I felt that he left me just like my mother did.

I had one friend from primary school. We lived in the same community and attended the same Church. Even though we did not attend the same secondary school we saw each other often at Church or at our homes. However, when she finished secondary school she migrated to Canada. Again, I felt that she too left me. Hence, I made up my mind that I will not let anyone in my life again because the track record showed that everyone I loved always leaves at some point. I did not want to go through the pain of feeling neglected all over again so I kept to myself and I was intentional about it.

Then, there was another young lady in the Church I attended as a youth who was relentless in pursuing a friendship with me. I resisted for a long time but eventually we became friends. We did not live in the same community so I only saw her on Saturdays at choir meetings and on the days we had Church. She was like a big sister and because I was always so quiet and reserved, she looked out for my well-being. She too migrated to the USA.

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Thing About What You Are Thinking About!

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

– Philippians 4:8

I believe that depression and anxiety are fuelled by negative and irrational thoughts. There is a cycle where, what one things about influences one’s feelings and one’s feelings influence one’s behaviour. In my experience, because my mother and I did not live in the same house and we did not have the kind of relationship where there were conversations about the activities of my life, I thought that she did not love me so she did not care what happened to me, even though she worked very hard and went all out to ensure that all my physical and educational needs were met. Also, my relationship with the adults in the home where I grew up was just the same as that with my mother so I thought that they too did not love me and did not care about me. Therefore, I felt rejected and abandoned. Hence, I isolated myself. I was afraid to let anyone in my life. I thought that since my mother and family do not love me and do not care about me then no one else will so to avoid being rejected all over again I kept to myself. My thought patterns were so negative that I was either rationalizing or irrationalizing everything. As a result, I accepted every lie told to me by the devil and kept thinking about them. Hence, one of the reasons I wanted to disappear so badly that I attempt suicide so many times.

What are you thinking about? What lies have you been told by the devil that keep you thinking about them and causing you to fear, be anxious and depressed?

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Take Charge Of Your Mind And Control Your Thoughts!

Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;

– 2 Corinthians 10:5

Being hospitalized in Barbados no one in my family went to be with me. I was in another country mentally unwell and so scared. Seeing the other patients being visited by their family and friends every day, I felt alone, abandoned and sad. The more I thought about it, the more I was convinced that no one loved me and that no one cared. It really made sense to me. It stands to reason why no one went to Barbados to be with me. The truth is that no one knew what was going on with me because I did not inform them. I did not inform my family because I did not want to be a burden to anyone and I knew that financially, they were not in a position to travel so I did not want to bother them and put any added financial strain on them. Yet, I wished that someone was there with me.

The enemy sets up strongholds of natural reasoning in my mind that uttered all sorts of lies to me and caused me to rationalize everything because I did not take charge of my mind and control my thoughts. Once I started rationalizing everything and made up my mind about something, there was nothing anyone could have said or done to convince me otherwise because my rational thoughts made sense. Those rational thoughts instigated the irrational, unrealistic fears and anxiety that I experienced, as I have mentioned in previous devotions. This is what happened to me as a result of suffering from depression and anxiety.

The main intention of the devil is to gain entry to your mind and fill it with lying emotions and deceitful perceptions in order to confuse you. That’s why Paul admonished you in 2 Corinthians 10:5 “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;”

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Trust Forever, Receive Everlasting Strength!

Trust ye in the Lord for ever: for in the Lord Jehovah is everlasting strength:

– Isaiah 26:4

During the time I spent in Barbados as a student, I was so depressed and anxious that often times I felt overwhelmed by life. To get up every morning and face the day was a challenge for me. I had no strength so I felt tired all the time. It was not only a physical tiredness but the tiredness I experienced I cannot quite explain. I was just tired.

I remember one time when I was so bombarded by voices in my head that told me I should commit suicide because life was not worth living, that the pain I felt would never go away and that it was too unbearable, that no one cared anyway so I wouldn’t even be missed, and I can continue on and on with this list. Hence, one early morning sometime after four, I left my home in Husbands and walked down Spring Garden Highway alone. I did not tell anyone where I was going. As a matter of fact I did not even know where I was going, I was just following the leading of the voices in my head. I was lead to a sea through a path somewhere in the vicinity of an alcohol factory because I could smell the alcohol. There were signs that said, “danger, do not swim”. The sea was rough, the waves sounded and looked very angry. It was still dark and there was no one else insight. The voices told me to walk in the sea so I did and I just kept walking with tears in my eyes. I felt like I had no control over the voices in my head. They totally controlled me. It is important to note that I cannot swim because I was always afraid of the sea. Yet I walk into the sea and I was not afraid. As I continued walking in the sea, suddenly, I dropped in a deep hole and was covered by water. Then, one of those angry waves picked me up and washed me on the sea shore. I cried out with a loud voice, “God why wouldn’t You let me die?” You see, I had tried to commit suicide so many time before and every attempt failed no matter what I did.

At that point I knew deep within me that I needed to trust the Lord with my life and draw strength from Him. Was it easy? No it was not. Did it happen quickly or automatically? No it did not. It’s a process. One in which I am still learning to trust in Him and be strengthened by Him when I need it.  

What are you experiencing today that is causing you to be so weak in your body, soul and spirit that you are beginning to lose trust in God?  

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God is With You Always!

And the Lord, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed.

– Deuteronomy 31:8

When I went to the University of the West Indies (UWI) Cave Hill Campus in Barbados to pursue studies for my bachelor’s degree I was so elated. I always wanted to attend university even though I knew financially it seemed impossible so I kept hope alive. I arrived in Barbados and settled down quite nicely with the help of an amazing friend who accommodated me. I started classes and all seemed well. Then about a month later, I was admitted to the Queen Elizabeth Hospital on Ward C4 which is a psychiatric ward, where I was treated for major depression, anxiety disorder, and the eating disorder anorexia nervosa.

What happened? How did I end up being hospitalized on a psychiatric ward? Fear grabbed hold of me. I was afraid of failing among other things. Hence, I stopped going to classes and stayed in the apartment. Before I knew it, I was not eating as I should. I was not sleeping as I should. I cried hysterically at nights and I did not know why I was crying. The nights seemed very long, yet I dreaded the mornings. I did not want to get out of bed on mornings or at all for that matter. I found myself in the fetus position and I couldn’t straighten myself. I felt safe in that position. I did not want to take showers. I began to see things and hear voices that were not real. I had recurring ideations of suicide. However, I did not think that anything was wrong with me. Thanks to my friend who had observed that I was not well and intervened or I would not have gotten the help I needed.

At the hospital I was noncompliant with the doctors because I believed that nothing was wrong with me and that I did not belong on that psychiatric ward. Due to the severity of my mental ill health I was advised by the psychiatrists not to continue studies and I was told that I needed to be on medications for the rest of my life. I was told that I am “prone to depression” and it would not take much to trigger me off. Hence, I returned home a few months later.

When I got home, I decided to try something different. Something that I did not think I could have done before. As a result, I rented a space at Mr. P’s salon where I did nails (manicure, pedicure, and acrylic nail extensions) for a few months. There I had the opportunity to pamper my clients, listen to many share their hearts’ concerns, as well as offer them counsel, at no additional cost. Nevertheless, I could not stop thinking about completing my degree and I strongly believed that I could do it. Therefore, with the guidance of the psychiatrist at the university’s students’ support services department, who assured me that continuing to study can be for me a form of therapy, and that the university has excellent support structures to assist me during my studies, I went back to university. Then for the three year duration of the programme, I was able to successfully complete my bachelor’s degree with the assistance of the psychiatrist and the counsellor whom I saw every week, as well as a few lecturers who made sure that I caught up with the work the times when I was absent as a result of not being well.

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God is Your Everlasting Strength and Helper!

My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.

– Psalm 73:26

As an adolescent I became anorexic and bulimic which continued into my adulthood. Anorexia Nervosa and bulimia nervosa are eating disorders. Eating disorders are characterized by a persistent disturbance of eating or eating-related behaviour that results in the altered consumption or absorption of food and that significantly impairs physical health or psychosocial functioning. According to National Institute of Mental Health, “The eating disorders anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, and binge-eating disorder, and their variants, all feature serious disturbances in eating behaviour and weight regulation. They are associated with a wide range of adverse physical, psychological, and social consequences”.

As a result of being anorexic and bulimic my flesh (physical body) and my heart (soul-emotional or mental or psychological functioning) failed as I experienced many adverse physical, psychological, and social consequences.

Physically, I was malnourished and skinny – very skinny. I was also ill a lot – I had developed problems with my stomach, had frequent migraine headaches, had dental issues, had problems with my menstruation, and the list goes on. Therefore, I frequented the doctors and emergency rooms for treatment that included having IV fluids to sustain me.

Psychologically, I was obsessed with wanting to lose weight because I was so afraid of gaining weight. I literally thought I was fat and every time I looked in a mirror I saw fat everywhere on my body. Hence, I was also obsessed with exercising, purging, and starving myself from food. These maladaptive behaviours contributed to my suffering with anxiety disorder and major depression, in which I also experienced insomnia. The pressure to want to keep slim and not gain weight was so real and overwhelming that at times when I felt I was failing in accomplishing my goal to remain slim, I habitually resorted to hurting myself so I attempted suicide various times. Due to the severity of illnesses that I experienced, I often feared that something more serious or terminal was wrong with me. The fear that I would get cancer in my stomach tormented me day and night.

Socially, I isolated myself because I was too afraid of being in public or around people. I didn’t want people to see how “fat” I was (so I thought) even when my weight was much less that what it needed to have been for my body mass index (BMI).

However, even though anxiety, depression and eating disorders have caused my flesh and my heart to fail, I have come to know God as my strength and my helper.

Have you ever been in a situation in which fear or anxiety caused your flesh and your heart to fail?

Asaph, a Temple musician, wrote Psalm 73 and in verse 26 he stated that, “My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever”.

In the first part of Psalm 73:26, Asaph mentioned first that his flesh failed, then his heart failed. However, in the second part of Psalm 73:26, he said first that God is the strength of his heart, then God is his portion or helper (for his flesh) for ever.

Asaph identified the prescription for his failing heart as God being his strength, and the prescription for his failing flesh as God being his portion.

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Strength and Courage in the Midst of Difficult People!

Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.

– Deuteronomy 31:6

Sometimes we are faced with situations in which we have to deal with people who try to stop us from entering our promise land, and depending on who those people are, we become afraid, anxious, and even depressed. These troubling emotions prevent us from accomplishing the purposes for which we are mandated by God. Have you ever been in a situation like this? I know I have.

We are not the only ones who have had to deal with difficult people who try to stop us from entering our promise land. Neither were we the first and we wouldn’t be the last. As long as we are in this world, there will come a time when we will encounter the challenge of dealing with difficult people who are trying to stop us from entering our promise land. It maybe persons on the job conspiring against you to prevent you from getting that promotion. It maybe that man or woman who is trying to break up your marriage and destroy your family. It maybe that person who is trying to prevent you from getting that scholarship. It maybe someone who is trying to block your favour with the bank to prevent you from obtaining that land, house or vehicle. Or maybe it is some other circumstances. Tell me, who wouldn’t be tempted to become anxious and fearful in any of the aforementioned scenarios?

The children of Israel were also in one such predicament so Moses stirred their faith and hope in God as he assured them of God’s constant presence with them to help them be successful in facing the nations that were trying to hinder them from entering the promise land. In Deuteronomy 31:6 Moses told them, “Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.”

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