Category: My Personal Experiences

Resisting the Devil is Your Choice!

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

– James 4:7

In yesterday’s devotional I mentioned that I wrote the last one on the 26^th January which was my birthday and didn’t continue because I allowed negative thoughts to take me back into a place of anxiety and depression. What exactly happened on that day? I woke up at 3:00 a.m. as I usually do to have my devotion and enthusiastically wrote the devotional as I was inspired as usual. I was happy when the morning began and anticipated a great birthday as I looked forward to the many birthday greetings via phone calls and messages. However, there was one particular person (my adopted mother) from whom I expected a call but she didn’t call because she forgot. I waited as the morning went by yet still no call from her. I only felt rejection and abandoned by the one who had become a mother to me and it reminded me of the past feelings of rejection and abandonment by my own mother as a child. Several other persons had wished me well on my birthday but I still felt like no one cared. It didn’t matter because none of those persons was my adopted mother. I couldn’t appreciate all the others because of the cognitive distortion ‘polarized thinking’ (all-or-nothing, or black and white thinking). For me it had to have been ‘all or nothing’, that is, if I didn’t receive what I perceived to be all that I needed, then what I did receive was deemed as nothing. That was one of the lies that the devil tried to mentally attack my mind with over and over and over again which I allowed for a very long time. This attack on my mind hindered me from continuing my God given assignment and caused me to unfruitfully go around the mountain of anxiety and depression again. Therefore, an assignment that was intended to be accomplished in one year has been delayed for two year. What a waste of time! All because I didn’t chose to resist the devil.

James tells us in chapter 4 verse 7 to “…Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” The word “resist” is a derivative of the Greek word anthistemi, a compound of the words anti and istimi. The meaning of the word anti is against, as to oppose something. The meaning of the word istimi is to stand. When compounded together to form the word anthistemi, it means to stand against or to stand in opposition. This word demonstrates the attitude of one who is fiercely opposed to something and therefore determines that he will do everything within his power to resist it, to stand against it, and to defy its operation (Renner, 2003).

James used this word to emphasize to us the need for us to aggressively determine to stand against the work of the devil. It is not enough to just be passive and pray that God will take away the negative thoughts the devil assaults us with. This is warfare and we must fight with all diligence and dedication to successfully drive back the forces of the devil against our lives.

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Leaving the Past Behind and Moving On!

Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

– Philippians 3:13

A few years ago one Sunday morning during worship in Church, I heard the Lord said to me as clear as crystal, to write these devotional on anxiety and depression and share my personal experiences to encourage others. I wrote in my journal what I heard in my spirit that day and did nothing. For a few years after I had this tugging in my spirit to write but I ignored it because I felt inadequate and I was still ashamed of my life. I believed the lies of the enemy that I had nothing important to share. However, I couldn’t ignore the tugging in my spirit any more so on the 1^st January 2019 I began writing these devotionals that you have read so far up until yesterday the 26^th January, then I stopped. What happened to cause me to stop writing?

Imagine, after writing for 26 days about how to live a life characterized by the peace and love of God and having the mind of Christ, I let my guard down and succumbed to anxiety and depression yet another time. I can hear some saying, ‘practice what you preach’ and ‘physician heal thyself’. The truth is while these are ideal to practice it is often not the case. One must make a conscious decision to do so.

How did I let my guard down? I didn’t practice what I had been preaching. In the devotional on the 20^th I shared on “Thinking about what you are thinking about” from Philippians 4:8, “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” Then six days later on the 26^th of January which was my birthday I allowed my thoughts to run wild in my mind, thinking about all sort of negative things about my past that pushed me back into a state of anxiety and depression. I didn’t stop to think about what I was thinking about. I didn’t think on the things that were virtuous and praiseworthy. I didn’t refute the negative thoughts. I didn’t cast down the imaginations, all to my detriment.

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Boldly Approach God’s Throne of Grace!

Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.

– Hebrews 4:16

I realized that because of all the trauma I experienced that resulted in the maladaptive behaviours I exhibited, I often felt that I could not do anything right. For example, I knew that I needed to eat balanced meals in order to be healthy yet I starved myself on purpose. I knew that chronic purging will eventually damage my stomach and intestines but I couldn’t control myself whenever I was tempted to purge so I did. I knew that committing suicide was not going to solve my problems yet I couldn’t resist the temptations to do so every time. Also, I knew that isolating myself only left me alone to my thoughts and caused me to be an easy prey for the enemy yet I isolated myself anyway. Therefore, I was always so hard on myself for never doing anything right.

I also found it difficult to trust others because of my perception that no one loved me or cared about me so I never wanted to be a bother or burden to others. Hence my inability to seek help when I needed it. I often felt that I was too needy and that was what drove people away from me. I didn’t know how to find the balance between needing people and needing people too much. As a result, my first reaction was to protect myself from rejection. I felt like no one understood what I was going through.

Furthermore, I believed that I had disappointed everyone, including God so I was too ashamed to ask for help when I needed it. After all, why would anyone help me when I was the cause of my issues in the first place? If I would only do what’s right then I wouldn’t need to ask anyone for help. Hence, so many times I knew that I just needed to talk to God but I couldn’t bring myself to doing it.

Nevertheless, friends, no matter what your situation is or how you feel, you are encouraged in Hebrews 4:16, “Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need”.  

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Is Your Heart Sad or Glad?

Heaviness in the heart of man maketh it stoop: but a good word maketh it glad.

– Proverbs 12:25 

One morning my great-niece (Princess) Rhea and I were in my car going to town. She was about 12 years old at the time. It was obvious that she had observed my behaviours at home, such as locking up in my room, not interacting much with the family, not going out, etc. so she had lots of questions for me. Rhea was always very wise beyond her age and an intelligent child. Therefore, that morning, I felt led to explain to her that I had been struggling with depression and anxiety and what those looked like for me. I expressed to her that I often felt rejected, unloved, unappreciated and taken for granted by the people I loved so dearly. At that time, my heart was filled with excessive anxiety and grief so that I had no interest nor motivation to do anything. If you have read my previous devotions then you can understand why that was so.

Then Rhea said to me, “Auntie Joanne even if you are not told I love you by others, it does not mean that they don’t love you. People show love in different ways. The fact that your mother calls every day and asks for you says that she loves you, and the fact that when you are sad mummy tells Kairo (Rhea’s little brother who was a baby at the time) “Kairo, Auntie Joanne is sad go and give her a hug and a kiss”, is her way of showing that she too loves you, and you know I love you”.

Those words from Rhea were so inspiring and encouraging that my heart was delighted that morning.

I therefore concur with Solomon the wisest man ever lived, that “Heaviness in the heart of man maketh it stoop: but a good word maketh it glad” as he indicated in Proverbs 12:25.

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Beauty, Joy & Praise Are Yours for the Taking!

To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.

– Isaiah 61:3

I was sexually abused as a child. I never mentioned it to anyone at the time because I was afraid that no one would have believed me and I never trusted anyone. I thought that it was all a bad dream but having recurring nightmares and flashbacks, I remembered the abuse. Therefore, I was very confused and overwhelmed.

I blamed myself for the abuse. I believed that because I didn’t do anything to stop it and was aroused during the abuse, it meant that I wanted it to happen. For that reason, I felt ashamed, guilty and unclean. As a result, I took regular long bathes washing from head to toe, and was obsessed with purging, trying to be clean but to no avail. I also felt guilty for not telling anyone when it happened.

Additionally, when I was a teenager I was a member of the youth choir in the Church I attended. The Pastor’s wife was the leader of the choir. She often encouraged us as youths to keep ourselves pure until we are married so she told us girls, that “the best gift a young lady can give to her husband on their wedding night is her virginity”.

Well, because I knew that I was sexually abused as a child, I told myself that I don’t have that precious gift of my virginity to give to a husband so I decided then and there that I will not get married. I felt that I did not deserve to be married. After all, who young man would want to marry a ruined like me? Therefore, I felt cheated, inferior and worthless. I grieved the loss of my virginity to child sexual abuse as though I had lost a loved one to death. Every time the Pastor’s wife reminded us that “the best gift a young lady can give to her husband on their wedding night is her virginity”, the more I mourned. Hence, every time a young man showed interest in me, even if I liked him, I would remember what we were told by the Pastor’s wife and I would retreat. The thought of not having such precious gift to give to a husband due to the loss of my virginity to child sexual abuse tormented me for years and I could not stop mourning. Therefore, I had no joy. This I believe was the impetus for the depression, anxiety and the other mental disorders that I suffered.  

What have you lost that is causing you to lose your joy and be in a perpetual state of mourning, depression and anxiety?

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Cast Your Anxiety on Jesus!

Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.

– 1 Peter 5:7

A few years ago I had a situation where for a few months I was not paid salaries. At that time I was not well and had spent a lot of money at the doctor and had various tests done. Plus, I had to buy medications. All of which was done with monies out of my pocket because I did not have health insurance. I also had the monthly financial obligations of my car and student loans, which were behind as a result of my not being paid salaries.

I depended on my monthly salary as it was my only means of living. Hence, when I did not receive salaries those months anxiety filled my heart. I worried about what the bank would do or not do about the non-payment of my car and student loans. I worried about how I was going to afford to repeat the medications. I worried about how I was going to eat. I worried about everything that needed finances. Then, I run out of resources, I had no food, no medications and no more money to replenish my needs. I was not used to asking anyone for help so I did not know what to do.

Anyway, I decided to pray and ask God to help me because I was being emotionally crippled by anxiety. Then, in desperation, I mentioned my situation to the then Chief Education Officer hoping that she would have been able to assist in addressing the situation regarding my salary. She told me that if by a particular time I was not paid to let her know. I was not paid by that time so I informed her. She asked me to meet her at her office at a specific time on a particular day and told me to walk with my prescriptions. I hesitated because I did not want to be a bother to her. Nevertheless I went. She went with me to a pharmacy and paid for all my medications. She also gave me $300. and told me to go to the supermarket and make sure to buy whatever foodstuff I needed. Then she cautioned me to take care of myself.   

The Apostle Peter stated in First Peter 5:7, “Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.”

The word “casting” used in the verse above is the Greek word epiripto, a compound of the words epi and ripto. The word epi means upon, as on top of something. The word ripto means to hurl, to throw, or to cast. It also often means to violently throw or to fling something with great force.

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Having the Mind of Christ

Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:

– Philippians 2:5

My life from a child has been one in which I experienced many traumas that contributed to my suffering with depression and anxiety. Therefore, my perception of me was that I was worthless and I deserved all the bad things that happened to me because they were all my fault. Hence, the negative emotions of self-blame, guilt and shame. I was so ashamed of my life that I held on secretly to my experiences for many years. I couldn’t let anyone know what I had experienced, not only because of the shame but also because I was afraid that I would be judged and ostracized. I couldn’t bear the thought of rejection. Hence another reason for isolation.

I thought that I was just being “humble” but that was a lie straight from the pit of hell. Quite the contrary that was an attitude of pride. I did not realize this until my adopted mother told me, “Joanne you have nothing to be ashamed of; shame comes from pride, and pride is not of God.” Which is so true. Those negative emotions invaded my mind and prevented me from seeing the Joanne whom God created with gifts and talents for a purpose. My only redress was to let them go, give them up, lose the shame, guilt, self-blame, anger, etc. and function in the mind of Christ with true humility.   

Paul admonished in Philippians 2:5 “Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:” Another rendition expresses it this way, “Let this same attitude and purpose and [humble] mind be in you which was in Christ Jesus.”

What kind of mind did Christ possess? Christ had a humble attitude. In the verse following Philippians 2:5 that says, “ Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God:” Paul mentioned two facts about Christ which I believe is important for us to understand the mind of Christ, for these proofs tell us that He exhibited the highest level of humility there is. 1) Christ was God – He had all the attributes of God, and 2) Even though He was God He did not consider it rubbery to be equal with God. In other words, He did not consider His being equal with God as something to be snatched, grasped or held. Therefore, instead of clinging on to His position of equality with God, in humility He became a servant and was obedient even unto death.

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Transformed By A Renewed Mind!

… but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind…

– Romans 12:2

My mother went to live in a different home when I was around six years old. After a while my two younger brothers went to live with her and I remained in the family home with my father and older siblings. As a child I thought that I was responsible for my mother’s leaving. I did not understand why she would take my two younger brothers and leave her little girl behind. Therefore, for years I carried around that burden of feeling it was my fault why my mother left.

I had a close relationship with my second brother. He made me feel special. Then when I was in my early adolescence he migrated to the USA and I felt that he left me just like my mother did.

I had one friend from primary school. We lived in the same community and attended the same Church. Even though we did not attend the same secondary school we saw each other often at Church or at our homes. However, when she finished secondary school she migrated to Canada. Again, I felt that she too left me. Hence, I made up my mind that I will not let anyone in my life again because the track record showed that everyone I loved always leaves at some point. I did not want to go through the pain of feeling neglected all over again so I kept to myself and I was intentional about it.

Then, there was another young lady in the Church I attended as a youth who was relentless in pursuing a friendship with me. I resisted for a long time but eventually we became friends. We did not live in the same community so I only saw her on Saturdays at choir meetings and on the days we had Church. She was like a big sister and because I was always so quiet and reserved, she looked out for my well-being. She too migrated to the USA.

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Thing About What You Are Thinking About!

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

– Philippians 4:8

I believe that depression and anxiety are fuelled by negative and irrational thoughts. There is a cycle where, what one things about influences one’s feelings and one’s feelings influence one’s behaviour. In my experience, because my mother and I did not live in the same house and we did not have the kind of relationship where there were conversations about the activities of my life, I thought that she did not love me so she did not care what happened to me, even though she worked very hard and went all out to ensure that all my physical and educational needs were met. Also, my relationship with the adults in the home where I grew up was just the same as that with my mother so I thought that they too did not love me and did not care about me. Therefore, I felt rejected and abandoned. Hence, I isolated myself. I was afraid to let anyone in my life. I thought that since my mother and family do not love me and do not care about me then no one else will so to avoid being rejected all over again I kept to myself. My thought patterns were so negative that I was either rationalizing or irrationalizing everything. As a result, I accepted every lie told to me by the devil and kept thinking about them. Hence, one of the reasons I wanted to disappear so badly that I attempt suicide so many times.

What are you thinking about? What lies have you been told by the devil that keep you thinking about them and causing you to fear, be anxious and depressed?

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Take Charge Of Your Mind And Control Your Thoughts!

Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;

– 2 Corinthians 10:5

Being hospitalized in Barbados no one in my family went to be with me. I was in another country mentally unwell and so scared. Seeing the other patients being visited by their family and friends every day, I felt alone, abandoned and sad. The more I thought about it, the more I was convinced that no one loved me and that no one cared. It really made sense to me. It stands to reason why no one went to Barbados to be with me. The truth is that no one knew what was going on with me because I did not inform them. I did not inform my family because I did not want to be a burden to anyone and I knew that financially, they were not in a position to travel so I did not want to bother them and put any added financial strain on them. Yet, I wished that someone was there with me.

The enemy sets up strongholds of natural reasoning in my mind that uttered all sorts of lies to me and caused me to rationalize everything because I did not take charge of my mind and control my thoughts. Once I started rationalizing everything and made up my mind about something, there was nothing anyone could have said or done to convince me otherwise because my rational thoughts made sense. Those rational thoughts instigated the irrational, unrealistic fears and anxiety that I experienced, as I have mentioned in previous devotions. This is what happened to me as a result of suffering from depression and anxiety.

The main intention of the devil is to gain entry to your mind and fill it with lying emotions and deceitful perceptions in order to confuse you. That’s why Paul admonished you in 2 Corinthians 10:5 “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;”

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