Category: My Personal Experiences

Trust Forever, Receive Everlasting Strength!

Trust ye in the Lord for ever: for in the Lord Jehovah is everlasting strength:

– Isaiah 26:4

During the time I spent in Barbados as a student, I was so depressed and anxious that often times I felt overwhelmed by life. To get up every morning and face the day was a challenge for me. I had no strength so I felt tired all the time. It was not only a physical tiredness but the tiredness I experienced I cannot quite explain. I was just tired.

I remember one time when I was so bombarded by voices in my head that told me I should commit suicide because life was not worth living, that the pain I felt would never go away and that it was too unbearable, that no one cared anyway so I wouldn’t even be missed, and I can continue on and on with this list. Hence, one early morning sometime after four, I left my home in Husbands and walked down Spring Garden Highway alone. I did not tell anyone where I was going. As a matter of fact I did not even know where I was going, I was just following the leading of the voices in my head. I was lead to a sea through a path somewhere in the vicinity of an alcohol factory because I could smell the alcohol. There were signs that said, “danger, do not swim”. The sea was rough, the waves sounded and looked very angry. It was still dark and there was no one else insight. The voices told me to walk in the sea so I did and I just kept walking with tears in my eyes. I felt like I had no control over the voices in my head. They totally controlled me. It is important to note that I cannot swim because I was always afraid of the sea. Yet I walk into the sea and I was not afraid. As I continued walking in the sea, suddenly, I dropped in a deep hole and was covered by water. Then, one of those angry waves picked me up and washed me on the sea shore. I cried out with a loud voice, “God why wouldn’t You let me die?” You see, I had tried to commit suicide so many time before and every attempt failed no matter what I did.

At that point I knew deep within me that I needed to trust the Lord with my life and draw strength from Him. Was it easy? No it was not. Did it happen quickly or automatically? No it did not. It’s a process. One in which I am still learning to trust in Him and be strengthened by Him when I need it.  

What are you experiencing today that is causing you to be so weak in your body, soul and spirit that you are beginning to lose trust in God?  

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God is With You Always!

And the Lord, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed.

– Deuteronomy 31:8

When I went to the University of the West Indies (UWI) Cave Hill Campus in Barbados to pursue studies for my bachelor’s degree I was so elated. I always wanted to attend university even though I knew financially it seemed impossible so I kept hope alive. I arrived in Barbados and settled down quite nicely with the help of an amazing friend who accommodated me. I started classes and all seemed well. Then about a month later, I was admitted to the Queen Elizabeth Hospital on Ward C4 which is a psychiatric ward, where I was treated for major depression, anxiety disorder, and the eating disorder anorexia nervosa.

What happened? How did I end up being hospitalized on a psychiatric ward? Fear grabbed hold of me. I was afraid of failing among other things. Hence, I stopped going to classes and stayed in the apartment. Before I knew it, I was not eating as I should. I was not sleeping as I should. I cried hysterically at nights and I did not know why I was crying. The nights seemed very long, yet I dreaded the mornings. I did not want to get out of bed on mornings or at all for that matter. I found myself in the fetus position and I couldn’t straighten myself. I felt safe in that position. I did not want to take showers. I began to see things and hear voices that were not real. I had recurring ideations of suicide. However, I did not think that anything was wrong with me. Thanks to my friend who had observed that I was not well and intervened or I would not have gotten the help I needed.

At the hospital I was noncompliant with the doctors because I believed that nothing was wrong with me and that I did not belong on that psychiatric ward. Due to the severity of my mental ill health I was advised by the psychiatrists not to continue studies and I was told that I needed to be on medications for the rest of my life. I was told that I am “prone to depression” and it would not take much to trigger me off. Hence, I returned home a few months later.

When I got home, I decided to try something different. Something that I did not think I could have done before. As a result, I rented a space at Mr. P’s salon where I did nails (manicure, pedicure, and acrylic nail extensions) for a few months. There I had the opportunity to pamper my clients, listen to many share their hearts’ concerns, as well as offer them counsel, at no additional cost. Nevertheless, I could not stop thinking about completing my degree and I strongly believed that I could do it. Therefore, with the guidance of the psychiatrist at the university’s students’ support services department, who assured me that continuing to study can be for me a form of therapy, and that the university has excellent support structures to assist me during my studies, I went back to university. Then for the three year duration of the programme, I was able to successfully complete my bachelor’s degree with the assistance of the psychiatrist and the counsellor whom I saw every week, as well as a few lecturers who made sure that I caught up with the work the times when I was absent as a result of not being well.

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God is Your Everlasting Strength and Helper!

My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.

– Psalm 73:26

As an adolescent I became anorexic and bulimic which continued into my adulthood. Anorexia Nervosa and bulimia nervosa are eating disorders. Eating disorders are characterized by a persistent disturbance of eating or eating-related behaviour that results in the altered consumption or absorption of food and that significantly impairs physical health or psychosocial functioning. According to National Institute of Mental Health, “The eating disorders anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, and binge-eating disorder, and their variants, all feature serious disturbances in eating behaviour and weight regulation. They are associated with a wide range of adverse physical, psychological, and social consequences”.

As a result of being anorexic and bulimic my flesh (physical body) and my heart (soul-emotional or mental or psychological functioning) failed as I experienced many adverse physical, psychological, and social consequences.

Physically, I was malnourished and skinny – very skinny. I was also ill a lot – I had developed problems with my stomach, had frequent migraine headaches, had dental issues, had problems with my menstruation, and the list goes on. Therefore, I frequented the doctors and emergency rooms for treatment that included having IV fluids to sustain me.

Psychologically, I was obsessed with wanting to lose weight because I was so afraid of gaining weight. I literally thought I was fat and every time I looked in a mirror I saw fat everywhere on my body. Hence, I was also obsessed with exercising, purging, and starving myself from food. These maladaptive behaviours contributed to my suffering with anxiety disorder and major depression, in which I also experienced insomnia. The pressure to want to keep slim and not gain weight was so real and overwhelming that at times when I felt I was failing in accomplishing my goal to remain slim, I habitually resorted to hurting myself so I attempted suicide various times. Due to the severity of illnesses that I experienced, I often feared that something more serious or terminal was wrong with me. The fear that I would get cancer in my stomach tormented me day and night.

Socially, I isolated myself because I was too afraid of being in public or around people. I didn’t want people to see how “fat” I was (so I thought) even when my weight was much less that what it needed to have been for my body mass index (BMI).

However, even though anxiety, depression and eating disorders have caused my flesh and my heart to fail, I have come to know God as my strength and my helper.

Have you ever been in a situation in which fear or anxiety caused your flesh and your heart to fail?

Asaph, a Temple musician, wrote Psalm 73 and in verse 26 he stated that, “My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever”.

In the first part of Psalm 73:26, Asaph mentioned first that his flesh failed, then his heart failed. However, in the second part of Psalm 73:26, he said first that God is the strength of his heart, then God is his portion or helper (for his flesh) for ever.

Asaph identified the prescription for his failing heart as God being his strength, and the prescription for his failing flesh as God being his portion.

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Strength and Courage in the Midst of Difficult People!

Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.

– Deuteronomy 31:6

Sometimes we are faced with situations in which we have to deal with people who try to stop us from entering our promise land, and depending on who those people are, we become afraid, anxious, and even depressed. These troubling emotions prevent us from accomplishing the purposes for which we are mandated by God. Have you ever been in a situation like this? I know I have.

We are not the only ones who have had to deal with difficult people who try to stop us from entering our promise land. Neither were we the first and we wouldn’t be the last. As long as we are in this world, there will come a time when we will encounter the challenge of dealing with difficult people who are trying to stop us from entering our promise land. It maybe persons on the job conspiring against you to prevent you from getting that promotion. It maybe that man or woman who is trying to break up your marriage and destroy your family. It maybe that person who is trying to prevent you from getting that scholarship. It maybe someone who is trying to block your favour with the bank to prevent you from obtaining that land, house or vehicle. Or maybe it is some other circumstances. Tell me, who wouldn’t be tempted to become anxious and fearful in any of the aforementioned scenarios?

The children of Israel were also in one such predicament so Moses stirred their faith and hope in God as he assured them of God’s constant presence with them to help them be successful in facing the nations that were trying to hinder them from entering the promise land. In Deuteronomy 31:6 Moses told them, “Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.”

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Do not Fear and Be Discouraged, Jehovah Shammah Holds Your Life!

Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness

– Isaiah 41:10

I grew up in a large extended family but I was always different in my personality, therefore, I felt like I didn’t belong. I felt like an alien in my family. I felt alone and abandoned, like there was no place for me in this world. Therefore, I isolated myself most of the times. I was an introvert, very quiet and reserved, and many persons thought I was “fresh”, “snobbish”. What they did not know was that my soul was so wounded because of the childhood traumas I experienced that I was so insecure and had such low self-esteem, hence I was afraid to communicate with others. I feared being rejected. I had so many fears as I mentioned in a previous devotional, and I felt so alone. It stands to reason why when I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and major depression, I was told that I had been depressed from a child.  

Isaiah 41:10 says “Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness”.

Why shouldn’t you fear? You shouldn’t be afraid because God is with you. You are not alone. You are not neglected. God promises that He will never leave you nor forsake you so He encourages you to be strong and courageous, and not to be afraid (Deuteronomy 31:6). He also promises to be with you always, even unto the end of the world (Matthew 28:20). He is your Jehovah Shammah – The Ever Present God.

Why shouldn’t you be dismayed or discouraged? Because Jehovah Shammah is your God. He is the omnipresent God. You can call on Him at any time.

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Fear Not, God Loves You!

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

– 1 John 4:18

When I was an adolescent and a young Christian, I read in the Bible about God’s love for humanity and saw how Jesus’ ministry was characterized by love. I was so mesmerized with the results of Jesus’ ministry – signs, wonders, and miracles that I wanted to experience the same. I wanted to live a life of love like Jesus did so for many years and even up to this day my daily prayer has been, “Lord please let Your love be shed abroad in my heart according to Romans 5:5. Not only have I been praying this prayer but I also literally look for opportunities to love others and to demonstrate that love.

When I first started to pray this prayer, I had not a clue the implications of it. I just wanted to be like Jesus, and I still do. Only now, I have an understanding of what it means to love with God’s love after first loving myself.

You see, ironically, I had cultivated a life of God’s love towards others and became mature in love (so I thought) but I was not in love therefore, I did not feel loved. I thought no one loved me. There I was giving love and not in a place to receive love so fear took a hold of my heart, mind and emotions. I know this sounds complicated so let me try to explain further. I believed that others deserved to be loved so I went all the way out to love others but I was so wounded in my soul that I did not believe I deserved to be loved so it was difficult for me to accept love because I was afraid, yet, my perception was that no one loved me so I felt used, taken for granted and unappreciated by the people I loved, which was a lie straight from the devil.  

In previous devotions it was mentioned that Paul in 2 Timothy 1:7 expressed that the spirit of fear is not from God, instead God has given you the spirit of love. Also, in Galatians 5:22, Paul listed “love” when he mentioned the fruit of the Spirit. He stated, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love…” Love is the first portion of the fruit of the Spirit – that must be something significant!

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Fear Has Torment!

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

– 1 John 4:18

Reminiscing on my life’s journey I have identified several situations in which I was afraid. Fear had become my master as I was a slave to fear. I was afraid of failing; I was afraid of being rejected; I was afraid of the dark; I was afraid of heights; I was afraid of creeping things and some animals; I was afraid of gaining weight; I was afraid of flying; I was afraid of being in constricted, confined spaces; I was afraid of driving a car; I was afraid of the sea; I was afraid of men; I was afraid of being ill; I was afraid of travelling on public transportation; I was afraid of being in public (social) places; I was afraid of the sound of ambulance’s sirens; I was afraid that my mother will die; and I was afraid of developing meaningful relationships with others. Therefore, I avoided being in those situations and isolated myself. I can definitely concur with Job that “… the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me” (Job 3:25) because I have experienced it over and over and over again.

While the aforementioned list of fears that I have experienced may seem unbelievable, for me they were real. However, some of them are not just a casual fear. Psychologists have identified most of them as a phobia, which is a kind of anxiety disorder that causes an individual to encounter extreme, irrational fear about a situation, living creature, place, or object. A person who experiences a phobia often shapes his/her life to evade whatever he/she deems to be dangerous. His/her mind is perpetually thinking about the apparent dangers and this causes him/her to be anxious. This is because our thoughts influence our feelings and our feelings our behaviours.

Having such fear is one of the most horrifying encounters in one’s life. It causes the following experiences: a sensation of uncontrollable anxiety when exposed to the source of fear; a feeling that the source of that fear must be avoided at all costs; not being able to function properly when exposed to the trigger; acknowledgment that the fear is irrational, unreasonable, and exaggerated, combined with an inability to control the feelings.

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You Have a Sound Mind!

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

– 2 Timothy 1:7

There are troubles all around us and sometimes we cannot avoid them. It is expected that once we are in the world we will have tribulations. Jesus made mentioned of this truth in John 16:33, which is cited in yesterday’s devotion. However, no one likes to have tribulations. I know I don’t! Do you?

Sufferings had a way of injecting fear into my heart, affecting my mind, causing me to think irrationally. The enemy captured my mind, filled it with his lies, and I became a slave to fear. Sometime, even in the absence of troubles, the enemy still had a way of being able to lie to me, I held on to those lies and became paranoid. This, often caused anxiety and depression. Many times I felt like I was literally “losing my mind” or going “crazy”, which is the total opposite of having a sound mind.

Timothy in his days was confronted with a scenario in which his mind was tempted to yield to fear. The Early Church was experiencing a grave challenge as Nero was persecuting the believers everywhere in the most outrageous and hostile ways. Timothy, the pastor of the church in Ephesus at that time feared for his life because he knew if he was caught by Nero’s secret police, they would have delighted in killing him in some ferocious way.   

Therefore, the more Timothy thought about the danger he was in, a spirit of fear tried to capture him. That is the reason why Paul had to encourage him and remind him in 2 Timothy 1:7 saying, “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

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Trials Are Inevitable But Victory In Jesus Is Assured!

These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.

– John 16:33

As a young Christian in my early teen years and even as a young adult, I never understood why I had to experience all the difficult situations that I did. I asked God many time why but I never really waited for the answer from Him. I Thought that because I gave my life to Christ as a young child, and lived an obedient life because I only wanted to please God, then I should have been exempted from all the pain and suffering that I went through. I didn’t understand why, if God loves me so much, He allowed those bad thing to happen to me (so I thought). Therefore, for years I blamed God for the trials that I encountered in my life. I felt that He did not protect me as He should have. However, I have since learnt that being saved, sanctified, Holy Ghost filled, obedient, or even perfect do not immune one from tribulations.  

Jesus in John 16:33 says, “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world”. Let us take a moment to see what exactly Jesus means in this verse.

The word “peace” used by Jesus in this verse is the Greek word eirene. It is often used in the New Testament to describe tranquillity experienced after the cessation of war and expresses the notion that the battle is completed; the war is ended; victory is attained; and it is time for tranquillity and rest. It also strongly suggest the rule of order in place of chaos, when a person is dominated by eirene (“peace”), he/she has a calm, inner stability that results in the ability to conduct him/herself peacefully, even in the midst of circumstances that would normally be very nerve-racking, traumatic, or upsetting. Furthermore, eirene is the Greek counterpart for the Hebrew word shalom, which conveys the idea of wholeness, completeness, or tranquillity in the soul that is unaffected by outside situations or pressures. The Hebrew equivalent, the word shalom, indicates that this dominating peace ultimately gives rise to prosperity in one’s soul. Rather than permitting the hitches and stresses of life to break him/her, a person who is possessed by eirene (“peace”) is whole, complete, orderly, stable, and poised for blessing (Renner, 2003, 2016).

The word “tribulation” is the Greek word thlipsis, which refers to a situation so difficult that it causes one to feel stressed, squeezed, pressured, or crushed. It can be translated as distress, affliction, or trouble, constantly signifying a level of intensity that is almost unbearable in the natural.

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God Preserves in Perfect Peace the One Whose Mind is Continually Fixed on Him and Who Trust in Him! 

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.

– Isaiah 26:3

I can recall many times in my life when my mind was stayed on, and I trusted in everything else except God. Those were the times when I was tormented by fear, anxiety, depression and a host of other disturbing emotions. I can also remember the times when my mind was stayed on, and I trusted in God. The effect was God kept me in His perfect peace. Can you share the same sentiments as I?

We are living in an era when trouble is all around us and as a result humanity is unsettled. There are wars, natural disasters, illness, poverty, crimes, just to name a few. If your mind is bombarded by the cares of live then you are sure to experience distress. However, if you would fix you mind on and trust in God, He will keep you in His perfect peace.

The Gospel accounts of the healing of the woman with an issue of blood by Jesus recorded in Matthew 9:20–22, Mark 5:25–34, Luke 8:43–48 immediately came to my mind when I thought of a situation in the Bible in which someone had such peace of mind in the midst of a distressing circumstance.

This woman had experienced bleeding for twelve years and suffered a great deal under the care of several doctors, therefore, she had spent all she had. However, she did not get better, instead her condition grew worst. When this woman heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched the hem of His tallit because she thought, “If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.” Instantly her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was delivered from her suffering.

Jesus realized that power went out form Him so He turned around in the crowd and asked, “Who touched my clothes?” His disciples thought it was obvious for Jesus to be touched because of the crowd that was around Him so they answered Him saying, “You see the people crowding against you, and yet you can ask, ‘Who touched me?’ ” Nevertheless, Jesus knew exactly what had happened, He knew that it was not just an ordinary touch by the crowd so He continued to look around to see who had touched Him. The woman then came and fell at Jesus’s feet, trembling with fear, and told Him what she experienced because she knew what had happened to her when she touched Him. Then Jesus said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.”

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